People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
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sugar glider wrangler
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.