I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
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[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
But is it really??
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.