My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
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[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.