sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
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didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
New favorite tiktok
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.