My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
You Might Also Like
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day