My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
You Might Also Like
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Some people were born into their job.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.