My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
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When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Merica.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair