I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
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BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
spicy snake
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing