You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
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If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Feels
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what