People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
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If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people