[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
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I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are