Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
You Might Also Like
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.