superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
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If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.