my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
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The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
can’t believe I got front row seats
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth