butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
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The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I was bored.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found