“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
You Might Also Like
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.