me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
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You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
These aliens are taking forever.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
*puts cutlery down*
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.