Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
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Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Me: I don鈥檛 like ice in my whiskey
Him: that鈥檚 neat
Me: yeah, it鈥檚 pretty cool
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Me as a kid: when I鈥檓 an adult I鈥檓 gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don鈥檛 finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn鈥檛 find the ice cream she wanted*
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
get you a girl who
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I am officially off the market馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.