Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
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ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.