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You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.