Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
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The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison