Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
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What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
The photographer’s assistant
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”