Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
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Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.