I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
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This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Can’t. Being lazy.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.