if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing