i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
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What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.