If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
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People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Never forget.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
me after eating Cheetos
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.