I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
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“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u