It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”