My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
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[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!