My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
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[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?