No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
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Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️