her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
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WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’