Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
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4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
What kind of a cult is this?
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Hot hot hot 🥵
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
😂 amazing answer
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
seems like a niche market
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Festive toon…
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.