*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
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I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius