One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
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If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
🤣😂
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.