[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
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“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.