It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
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ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*