Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
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If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?