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My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
My boss called in sick of me
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
he was correct
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
good for her
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Guys, I found it.