If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
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[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
We’ve all been there
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test