When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
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I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I forgot how to panic. Help
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.