“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
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Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
When someone trying to leave me
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
how to market bottled water to dads
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]