You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
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I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.