Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
You Might Also Like
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot