[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
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Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.