Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
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The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?