[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
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Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
My birth announcement for our third baby
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Penguins walking in 5x speed
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I’m listening
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I can’t be the only one 😂
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.