Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
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I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”