I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
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waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.